martes, julio 14, 2009

Envalentonado por su reproducción milagrosa, el patrimonio de Kirchner amenaza con tomar el poder en Santa Cruz si no resuelven la crisis


Un preocupado Néstor Kirchner hizo referencias públicas al incremento astronómico que sufrió su patrimonio y el de su señora en el último año, que pasó de 18 a 46 millones de pesos, es decir, una de las más impresionantes piruetas hechas con una bicicleta financiera en toda la historia del ciclismo. Hay varias maneras de leer esta cifra: los Kirchner ganaron 28 millones de pesos durante el año, ó también 76.712 pesos por día, ó incluso 3.196 pesos por hora, pero la cifra que menos controversia ha generado es la de los aproximadamente 40 millones de boludos que permiten que este tipo de milagros financieros ocurran año tras año. La oposición emitió un comunicado en el que acusó a la Justicia de actuar con “lenidad” a la hora de investigar los saltos patrimoniales del ex presidente, y la respuesta del Gobierno estuvo a cargo justamente del nuevo ministro de Justicia, Seguridad y Derechos Humanos, Julio Alak, quien afirmó que “cuando la oposición empieza a acusarnos de lenidad, eso sólo quiere decir que vamos por buen camino”. Aparentemente, el nuevo ministro habría confundido “lenidad” con “leninidad”, una palabra que de todas maneras no existe y un error típico de un hombre de armas como el ministro.


El flamante soldado tiene un debut impecable confundiéndolo todo.


Pero en su defensa, el ex presidente admitió que su patrimonio es incontrolable, además de tener un “serio problema” con la autoridad. “Tratamos con Cristina de ponerle un freno pero no nos escucha, está en esa etapa de rebeldía sin sentido donde romper las reglas es la norma, y sigue creciendo”, afirmó Néstor Kirchner. Por su parte, Cristina Kirchner reconoció que el patrimonio que tiene con su marido está fuera de control: “Nos desafía constantemente y amenaza con escaparse en cada oportunidad que se presenta; cuando tenía 9 [millones] era bastante afectuoso y familiero, pero los problemas empezaron cuando cumplió 16 [millones] el año pasado; ahora que está enorme, contestatario y voraz, no sabemos qué hacer con él ni cómo puede terminar todo esto”.

Consultada en su calidad de pediatra de la tercera edad especializada en adolescentes, María José Lubertino reconoció que el patrimonio de Kirchner está pasando por una etapa complicada. “El patrimonio de Kirchner ya tiene 16 ó 17 años, a esa edad son terribles y buscan límites concretos desafiando la autoridad de los padres. Nosotros recomendamos que dialoguen con él, que le tengan mucha paciencia y no empleen métodos demasiado coercitivos, porque suelen ser contraproducentes”.

Pero el problema real surgió este mediodía, cuando se dio a conocer que el patrimonio de Kirchner, asustado por la falta de dinero que hoy acosa a Santa Cruz y por los rumores de su posible detención para “aliviar momentáneamente” el problema, logró fugarse a las montañas, donde planea resistir contra el gobierno provincial hasta que esté garantizada la seguridad jurídica necesaria para volver al Calafate a hacer negocios junto a sus padres, y que se le conceda además el espacio vital que necesita para seguir expandiéndose a sus anchas.

Expertos militares han coincidido en que el patrimonio de Néstor Kirchner no necesitaría resistir demasiado, ya que actualmente controla cuarto quintas partes de la provincia sin haber disparado un solo tiro, y se espera que el asalto final para tomar Río Gallegos sea igualmente incruento, ya que los habitantes que podrían resistírsele también le pertenecen.

*


Cuatro ruedas, cinco puertas y mucha redistribución. Más allá de las usuales peripecias aritméticas a las que nos tienen acostumbrados los Kirchner cada vez que presentan una declaración jurada, la de este año entrará seguramente en los anales históricos de nuestra ya escéptica Vía Láctea gracias a la misteriosa revalorización de su Honda CRV (bautizado “modelo Artemio” por los lugareños del Calafate). El coche en cuestión aumentó su propio valor un 40%, pasando de costar 100.000 pesos en la declaración jurada del año pasado, a 140.000 pesos en la declaración presentada este año.


Una famélica y desesperanzada cola de 7 cuadras espera pacientemente a que sean las 9 de la mañana para poder tocar "el auto milagroso" de los Kirchner.

*

El expreso de medianoche. Pino Solanas, acosado por los reclamos de sus votantes al no haber todavía nacionalizado el petróleo, ni el glaciar, ni el oro, ni el aire, y por no haber ni siquiera comprado aún los chimpancés que tripularían el Pacha Mama (una variante nacional del Sputnik soviético prometida en campaña), Pino Solanas se vio obligado a admitir que el “asunto de los ferrocarriles” (concretamente su plan para convertir la totalidad del territorio nacional en algo bastante similar a la Metrópolis de Fritz Lang) presenta algunos inconvenientes. En primer lugar, la búsqueda de ferrocarriles que aún sean operativos ha resultado mucho más difícil de lo que el flamante diputado por la retro-izquierda había creído. “Hasta donde pudimos averiguar, las opciones que tenemos para conseguir los ferrocarriles son dos: o se los compramos a Sudán, que todavía los tiene, o se los compramos al Museo Nacional de Transporte de Arabia Saudita, que por una cuestión de espacio los tiene guardados en un depósito y están fuera de exhibición”, intentó explicar Solanas ante un grupo de enfurecidas y defraudadas amas de casa del barrio de Recoleta que le exigían el cumplimiento de sus promesas estratégicas de campaña.

Pino, si bien un gran idealista, estos últimos días ha sufrido el acoso de la ansiosa clase media-alta porteña y sus reivindicaciones nacionalistas, encontrándose incluso antes de asumir en un verdadero brete que amenaza su integridad moral, pero especialmente la física, y del que sólo podría salir pidiéndole personalmente el dinero para comprar los ferrocarriles a Néstor Kirchner de su propio y abultado bolsillo, ya que se considera que para el 10 de diciembre, fecha en que asume su banca y puede presentar proyectos de su autoría, ya habría muerto lapidado con huevos fabergê por una turba fanática salida del Campo de Polo.


Pino Solanas filma a sus agresores confiado en que, eventualmente, los marineros de Kronstadt se levantarán en armas para defenderlo.

84 comentarios:

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estos patrimonios de hoy... ya no respetan nada.

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Simplemente maravilloso.

Almafuerte dijo...

Perdone, vuelvo para subrayar que la muerte de Pino por lapidación con huevos Fabergè a la salida de la cancha de Polo fue una exquisitez.

A Luis Juez también lo van a lapidar, va a ser con huevos Kinder a la salida de una función de Piñón Fijo en Carlos Paz.

berenice dijo...

Es bueno saber que una no está sola en el camino del crecimiento descontrolado y contestatario.
Muy bueno.

Pineral dijo...

Yo tengo una luca ahorrada, si se la doy a los K para que me la administren el año que viene cuanto tendria?

depre forever dijo...

El patrimonio del matrimonio crece tan rápido como el deficit de la aerolínea de los reyes del aire comandados por Tamayo.

Martín Benegas dijo...

Feliz Día Redentor!!
abrazos postkirchneristas.

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¡Feliz día a todos los postkirchneristas (mejor conocidos como los "neoliberales vendepatria expoliadores kulaks y mete-palos-en-las-ruedas del modelo redistributivo con inclusión social y valor agregado")!

Ahora se nos sumó el ex gobernador santacruceño Acevedo, ¡cada día somos más!

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