martes, junio 23, 2009

Alivio: el Ministerio de Salud reconoce que la única manera de prevenir el contagio de la Gripe A es “dejar de respirar”

Aunque suene disparatado, ésta fue la conclusión a la que llegaron las distintas áreas del Ministerio de Salud que trabajaron durante dos semanas, sin descanso, en la elaboración de un plan nacional de prevención y contención de este virus que, al igual que la crisis financiera, llegó injustamente a la Argentina desde el mundo civilizado sin que nadie lo llamara.

En una conferencia de prensa, la ministra de Salud, Graciela Ocaña, expuso los lineamientos generales del plan de prevención: “Quisimos fundamentalmente elaborar un plan nacional que llegue a todos los ciudadanos por igual, sin tecnicismos discriminatorios ni terminología clasista. Por eso, aconsejamos a los medios que eviten el término altanero de Gripe A N1H1, y opten por el más amigable y familiar bichito o resfrío del chochán para evitar el pánico injustificado”.

Las palabras de Ocaña recuerdan mucho al Plan Nacional Contra el Dengue, que el Ministerio de Salud presentó conjuntamente con el INADI, y cuya política de prevención general se centró en “buscar el diálogo” con el mosquito, haciendo hincapié en que, a pesar de sus diferencias físicas con los mosquitos comunes, era un ser único y valioso, pero sobre todo hermoso y pleno de derechos a pesar de sus diferencias, y todo gracias a que vivimos en democracia.

La ministra Ocaña también remarcó que el plan se ideó teniendo en cuenta los aportes de todos los contribuyentes: “Estamos frente a un plan de prevención inédito en la historia argentina. Dejando de lado las tandas publicitarias que recomiendan a la población no respirar, el plan ha costado exactamente cero pesos, así que podríamos decir que nosotros no sólo hacemos, sino que además lo hacemos de forma mucho más económica que todos los demás gobiernos”.

Sin embargo, la exactitud de esta afirmación se ha puesto en duda recientemente, ya que, al parecer, las dos semanas de intenso trabajo que realizaron la ministra y sus expertos tuvieron lugar en el Four Seasons de Ibiza y no en el Ministerio, dejando en total una cuenta aproximada de 8 millones y medio de euros sólo para la primer semana. Esto supuso una carga extra para Sergio Massa en tiempo de campaña, que haciendo uso de sus superpoderes, se vio obligado a reasignar todas las partidas del presupuesto de radarización a los viáticos extraordinarios del Ministerio de Salud, y así cubrir la cuenta del hotel. Ante el uso arbitrario de los superpoderes de Massa, la oposición sacó un breve comunicado al respecto -de una sola línea y con un tono bastante pesimista- expresando su indignación:

"Sí, podrá tener superpoderes, pero sólo Dios puede hacer una flor".

Aunque el movimiento de partidas pueda alarmar, desde la Jefatura de Gabinete de Ministros tranquilizaron a la población, afirmando que el presupuesto para el mantenimiento y funcionamiento de los radares se cubrirá reubicando en este sector todas las partidas designadas al control de las fronteras y equipamiento de la Gendarmería. En cuanto a qué partida cubrirá a su vez este agujero, nada puede saberse por ahora, aunque ya ha generado entre los ministros un alto grado de especulación: se calcula que el pozo acumulado para adivinar el origen de la próxima partida asciende ya a 2500 pesos.

Como en todo lo que va desde la aparición del virus en nuestro país hasta ahora, la presidente Cristina Fernández de Kirchner se mostró “sumamente preocupada” por el avance de la gripe. En el acto de inauguración del nuevo acceso oeste del estadio del club Villa Dálmine, Cristina Fernández dijo mostrarse “totalmente de acuerdo” con el nuevo plan de prevención de la Gripe A. “Según lo que pude entender sobre la gripe porcina, mientras se siga escondiendo en casas de paja o de palos, todo va a estar bien. Ahora, cuando se meta dentro de una casa de ladrillos y no podamos tirarla abajo soplando, entonces ahí sí vamos a tener que pedirle consejo a alguien que sepa”.

Cristina Kirchner se queja ante la rueda de preguntas en la cancha de Villa Dálmine:
“¡No me pregunten tanto, sólo soy una mujer!”.

También Luis D’Elía y Hebe de Bonafini se refirieron al tema, proponiendo una solución alternativa, que consistiría en “aprovechar que Hilda Molina está en el país” para “estatizarla” y luego efectuarle una “autopsia” para “descubrir todos los trucos de la mágica medicina cubana que tiene escondidos adentro”.

Para seguridad de la población, reproducimos aquí íntegramente las recomendaciones del Plan para la Prevención de la Gripe A del Ministerio de Salud:

“El Ministerio de Salud de la Nación aconseja:


· El único método cuya eficacia se ha revelado 100% efectiva para evitar el contagio de la Gripe A es dejar de respirar.
· Si usted, bajo su propia responsabilidad, decide continuar respirando, el Ministerio de Salud de la Nación le recomienda hacerlo de manera espaciada y limitando sus respiraciones por minuto al mínimo posible.
· Como ha quedado comprobado, estamos frente a un virus de una gran inteligencia y lo peor que podemos hacer es subestimarlo: no debe olvidarse que se trata de un virus muy complejo que sabe cómo viajar en aviones sin pagar pasaje. Por lo tanto, el Ministerio de Salud de la Nación recomienda evitar la utilización teléfonos y celulares, incluso si sólo usted los usa, ya que el virus podría encontrar una manera de penetrar en los cables y contagiar a las demás personas.
· Si usted posee algún síntoma de la Gripe A, es fundamental no entrar en pánico. El Ministerio de Salud de la Nación recomienda que, en caso de presentar algún síntoma, siga las siguientes instrucciones: a) tapie todas las ventanas y puertas de su domicilio y escóndase dentro de un placard o debajo de la cama hasta que los síntomas desaparezcan; b) si la sintomatología no remite, el Ministerio recomienda contratar los servicios de un abogado que se especialice en derecho sucesorio para facilitar a su familia la sucesión de sus bienes, en el caso hipotético de que las cosas no resulten tan bien como esperaba; c) si después de eso continúa sintiéndose enfermo e inseguro, bajo ningún aspecto consulte con su médico, ya que éste pertenece a un gremio muy poderoso, y lo único que nos faltaría para complicar aún más las cosas es que se les ocurra parar todo para exigir una recomposición salarial; en ese caso, el Ministerio de Salud le recomienda que le rece a Dios (con mayúscula, no a Néstor Kirchner, porque podría no funcionar), o eventualmente imagine que usted podría estar enfermo y muriendo pero en los noventas, con una línea de bandera privatizada y sin un modelo de inclusión social, redistributivo, generador de trabajo con valor agregado y altamente revolucionario en el cual se muere siempre con dignidad".

164 comentarios:

Coki dijo...

Bueno, basta. Cedí a las presiones intolerables de su talento y lo agregué al blogroll. Todos tenemos un límite.

El Redentor dijo...

jajaja, gracias Coki!! Che, te hago una consulta: si yo modifico el texto del post una vez que ya lo publiqué, ¿te vuelve a mandar un mail el "feed" (o como se llame) avisándote que el post cambió?

Coki dijo...

No, no avisa nada.
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Pero es la misma entrada, así que no aparece como una nueva.

Tené en cuenta que hay un rato entre que publicás y aparece en los lectores de feeds, por lo que si corregís en ese lapso es mejor.

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Anónimo dijo...

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Coki dijo...

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El Redentor dijo...

Gente: ya van 21 un muertos y contando. Al paso que vamos, en cualquier momento seremos al fin primeros en algo.

El Redentor dijo...

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¿Quien será? mire que tengo 297 contactos

Martín Benegas dijo...

Despues arreglamos lo de los honorarios por la publicidad, si no lo llamo al compañero Pepe Albistur.

El Redentor dijo...

jajajaja, dale!! Vi de pedo el link, gracias por la publicidad! Yo por cuestiones obvias no lo puedo poner

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